Something about my hesitation that weighs
Heavy as gravity.
Floods me with muddy chaos,
I fight it.
And I fight it.
After two weeks of seemingly endless email exchanges, I finally got my website back! What a rude awakening it is getting back into this space, seeing the last time I wrote here was almost three months ago.
Time slips away just like that. Quietly, tracelessly.
As I've disappeared from the blogosphere, the last few months were spent in somewhat brutally honest self reflection and soul searching. Through days of watching my own internal dialogue, I saw hesitation, and lots of it. From things that were as small as how should I plan my errands, to whether I should commit my evening to reading, blogging or painting, I often found myself drifting in a vast sea of "what if's". The casual but mindless contemplations quickly turned into spiraling doubt, indecision, and somehow along the way, fear.
Maybe it was fear of doing the wrong thing. Or perhaps fear of doing the right thing. Fear of doing the hard thing. The things that will change my world which I've only dreamt of but had never prepared for in reality.
But living by fear is no way to live.
So fuck it if I'm doing the wrong thing, the right thing, or the hard thing. Socrates once said "to know thyself is the beginning to wisdom." I believe trusting myself is the first step.
These photos were quickly snapped in Prospect Park, Brooklyn, right before the springtime rain down poured on us! But in those moments, there was minimal hesitation, only creative bliss.
Photos by my lovely friend Marina Zakhrabova.